Two To Tangle

Text: Matthew 18:15-20

Focus: Conflict

Function: To help people learn biblical ways to solve conflict.

Form: Bible Study

Intro: I love old Jazz music. Kathy doesn't. So, the 2 ½ hour trip from Dayton to FW has been a blessing for me with music.

Louis Armstrong does this song: “Two to Tango.” It's a song about how falling in love, metaphorically demonstrated in the Tango dance. It takes two willing participants to work successfully.

And unfortunately, that beautiful metaphor has been changed to speak about conflict. The metaphor is “It takes 2 (people) to tangle.”

The idea being that if one person walks away from a fight, the fight is over.

This passage is about conflict between two peoples.

And I suppose I need a little bit of introduction to help us see that.

One of the things that I share with my good friend Jerry Brenneman is a high view of scripture.

It is a theological distinction about how we address the Bible, how we believe it and what kind of authority, or weight, we place on it.

I don't believe that it is merely a collection of stories that may or may not be true.

I believe that God had His hand in its creation so that when the authors wrote words, although they were writing with their own style and from their own experiences and perspectives, that somehow behind all of that, God had a supernatural hand in it, directing it to be true, trustworthy and reliable.

You don't have to believe like me in order to be truly saved.

And no, it is not to be taken literal all the time. There are many, many times when it is speaking metaphorically or symbolically.

If one took it literally all the time then God would look like a Chicken, to point out the absurd.

I mention that because this passage can, and has, been translated two completely different ways.

Verse 15 is either translated as “if your brother or sisters commits a sin” (referring to any sin), or “sins against you.”

And the difference has to do with ancient texts. Some of the oldest texts do not have the words “against you” in it.

It completely changes the meaning.

On one hand, we are called to hold each other accountable and if we can, or happen to, catch a fellow believer sinning, it is our job to point it out and expose their sins to the entire church if they do not repent.

On the other hand, if someone sins against us, then we are to go to them. If the issue cannot be resolved, then bring someone with us. And if that doesn't work, then exercise Church discipline.

Has anyone seen this process actually happen?

Has anyone seen this process get abused?

Has anyone seen this process used to vindicate one person over the other?

I have seen it abused in some of the worse fashions that I can imagine.

I believe in the power of grace. I don't believe that it is my job, our job, to hold each other accountable. It is our job to provoke each other to do good works. We aren't here exhort each other, we are here to encourage each other.

If exhorting each other is the ethos of the Church, then the church sort of becomes a kind of competition to see who can be the most pure, or faithful, or whatever.

A lot of abuse happens when we set ourselves up as the judge of other peoples sins instead of our own.

We don't want a museum for saints, we want a hospital for sinners, for sinners just like me.

For me, because of the way this passage,without the “against you” has been abused, I am not willing to translate it that way.

But, thankfully, it isn't up to me and my opinion. Jesus weighed in on the same point: The parable of the mote and log in the respective eyes. Jesus tells us to worry only about our own sins instead of the sin of others.

As a matter of fact, let me read the specific passage about judging from THE MESSAGE:

A Simple Guide for Behavior Matthew 7:1-5

7:^1-5“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

Jesus commands us not to judge, so we are going to look at it from the perspective of solving interpersonal conflict.

And in this -solving personal conflicts- I have seen the principles of this passage of scripture work well.

So, let me give you a sort of humorous, but real life example of this passage:

I received a phone call one day: “Pastor, I am a member of such and such a church and one of your parishioners lives next door to me. I am following Matthew 18, and I need your help with him.”

Before I asked her who the member was, I asked her what the offense against her was.

“Well” she said “he has a terribly foul mouth and he keeps cussing really loud in his backyard. My kids hear it and I don't like him cussing in front of my kids. I tell them he is a Christian and they don't understand that if he is a Christian, why he gets to use language like that. Pastor, you need to make him stop.”

“What is he cussing at?” I asked.

She told me: “we have a dog that we leave outside in a cage and the dog likes to bark. The barking is annoying. It is so annoying that we moved the dog kennel to the back side of our garage, so that we don't hear the dog barking. The dog barks all the time. And he gets upset with the dog and comes outside and yells at it and sometimes he even cusses at the dog.

“I have asked him to stop cussing as our kids are small and I don't want them to hear this kind of language. He is a Christian and he should not be talking like this.

“Do you think a Christian should cuss, pastor?” she asked.

I asked her if the new location of the kennel, behind the garage, was nearer to her neighbor’s yard and it was. It was placed so the barking bounced off the garage right into her neighbor's back yard.

“Ummm” I said “Have you considered moving the dog kennel back so that it bothers you instead of him?”

When she rebelled against that idea, I reminded her of the scripture from Romans 12:18, “As much as is possible WITH YOU, live at peace with all men.

Now, let me go over the three steps relating to escalated conflict that Jesus teaches in this passage.

1). When someone sins against you, talk to them!

• The emphasis is on “to them.”
• Before we talk to anyone else, except maybe God, talk to them.
• Way to many conflicts can or could have been solved with just a simple conversation whereby we learn that we have a simple misunderstanding.
• I try to put myself in someone else's shoes.
• When Kathy wants to talk to me about someone else, I try to help her see it from their perspective.
• Men, most often, this does not work.
• She is my wife. We are “one flesh.”
• She wants to know that I have eyes for her before anyone else.
• But it helps for us to seek understanding of the other person's perspective and to give them the benefit of the doubt.
• If our goal with the person is reconciliation, then almost always, a conversation with them will clear up the issue.
• The sad thing, is we talk it up so much, we obsess so much over the issue, that by the time we get to a confrontation, our goal may not be reconciliation.

Before I get to the second principle in this passage, let me make something abundantly clear. And if this is understood by the offended party, resolution will almost always happen.

This is the most important principle of them all:

RECONCILIATION MUST BE THE GOAL.

Say it with me:

RECONCILIATION MUST BE THE GOAL

It is right here in this passage: “You have won your brother...”

The goal is reconciliation.

To often we let small conflict build up so much that our goal is not reconciliation, but vindication. Don't let it fester.

99% of the time, going to that person privately will solve the issue.

To often, the goal is not reconciliation, but vindication.

And that leads us to the second step:

2). If the problem cannot be resolved, bring someone with you.

• This needs to be a neutral party.
• This needs to be someone that both sides can trust to listen to both sides objectively and fairly.
• This needs to be a person who can discern the issue, the offense and recommend a solution.
• This person, after hearing both sides gets to decide if the offense merits this level of interdiction.
• That is what the lady who called me about her neighbor was trying to do, except...
• She forgot the guiding principle. Say it with me: THE GOAL IS RECONCILIATION.
• If our goal is vindication, then we have already lost. The Church has already lost.
• If our goal is reconciliation, and private conversation does not work, then a third party may be able to help.

3). Third step:

• If the second, neutral party, agrees that an offense has taken place and it is significant enough that you have been damaged by the sin and the person will not change their mind, then bring it before the church.

• Okay, this where it may seem to get tricky.
• What is the goal? Say it with me: THE GOAL IS RECONCILIATION.
• The offense must be big enough that worship and Christian community cannot be maintained unless a reconciliation between these two parties takes place.
• At this point, well actually, hopefully at the beginning of this process, the person who has been harmed asks themselves if this even worth all the bother?
• And, I suppose that I might talk to my wife about something like this to see if I am over reacting.
• But if I am asking in order to make myself appear better than the other person, then reconciliation is not what I have in mind.
• When reconciliation is the goal, both parties perceive it to be true and genuine.
• Let me give a caution here.
• Real life is not TV.
• TV shows create a conflict to resolve them. Most often, that is good drama.
• But we are living in the real world, and nothing is ever that black and white.
• So, be careful that we ourselves are not over-reacting.
• But at the same time, sometimes the conflict and resolution is very good and very healthy for community and personal growth.
• This third step happens when the trusted person happens to agree with us that we have been wronged and that the wrong is significant enough to warrant correction.
• I hope people love me enough to correct me.
• I hope people love me enough to tell me when I have offended them.
• Otherwise, I may never know that I have bad breath, or whatever.

CONCL: